The Party is Over, My Family is on Facebook

Posted by Scott Leamon on Oct 8, 2009 in Blog, Marketing, Random, Thought | 10 comments

In the beginning, Facebook was limited to your close high school friends, college buddies… oh, good times! What a perfect place to relive those memories, laugh about them again in the virtual world. Facebook was your perceptual class reunion–without the people sitting at the adjacent table over hearing you talk about how fat and old so-and-so looks.

Then came the co-workers, bosses, (we learned quickly about ‘Limited Profiles’) the people who you never talked to in high school (these people are still considered mixed company and their requests still live in my ‘Facebook Purgatory’). And slowly the family trickles in… your parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. They know me pretty well, I guess it’s cool. Right?

Well….Remember that feeling as a teen when you would first introduce a new friend to your parents? There was always that underlying fear that they would immediately – on cue – do or say something that would embarrass you to death… and your new friend would never look at you the same or even worse, never come over again! Well… that feeling is now resurrected every time I add a relative – or a “relative by circumstance” – as a Facebook Friend.

Then when one evening you check Gmail and to your disbelief, your MIL (mother-in-law) wants to be your friend. Your palms get sweaty, on a verge of a panic attack – your mind races with myriad thoughts of: “Oh no, what all do I have on my page? Wait, I bet I use all my favorite four letter words. Was I tagged in a photo doing a keg stand? Ugh, there’s that photo of me and that random girl in college, she’s not tagged, and I cannot remember her name, but she’s not her daughter! How many times have I said bad things about the MIL? I cannot say no, or can I? What will the wifey think? If I deny her it will cause family warfare!”

Reality sinks in. The party is over. I cannot just be ‘me’ anymore, I have to be me as perceived by this mixed bag of every dynamic of my life. Today is the first day of my new Multiple Personality Disorder…

My Facebook Persona.

You spend the next hour in a schizophrenic flurry of digging through each and every photo, wall post, comment… every crumb of info that could be held against you at the next family get together. You feel like a criminal, that never committed a crime, but you have to hide the evidence. The evidence of the real you. After a glass or two, eventually a bottle of wine, you calm down a bit. You think of your dear spouse, and the sadness it would bring her to know you just went through a small crisis that revolves around a seemingly trivial website and the woman that brought her into the world and consequentially, into your life. “Sure they are family too, yes?”, you ask yourself. You signed the contract to love and cherish and all that stuff – and to a certain extent, them too. Right?

With great regret and loss of self, you scrub your account of the potential dirty laundry.

But wait, it gets better. It’s not just your in-laws, No no, the party doesn’t stop there! It’s your in-law’s friends also. Yup, the certified crazy girlfriend of your MIL who’s breakfast consist prozac chased with cheap gin. The one that showed up to your son’s first birthday party with her fourth husband – or was it the fifth?. Oh right, the guy with the goatee and a lisp…

Oh it doesn’t end there… your sibling’s in-laws are now your ‘friends’ too. Yep! All it takes is a wedding. You politely share a few photos, tag them, and your private little sanctum is completely blown to bits. It’s an avalanche of tangential faces connected to one place, one moment. But they are new to Facebook… they don’t have the history, the prowess, the etiquette… they see your face in your MIL’s wall stream and innocently think to themselves, “Oh there’s Scott, and his beautiful boy!” They click on your avatar (that’s the profile pic, duh) and are directed to a page that says “Add as Friend.” Innocently and/or naively enough, they click.

Ok, you can have a little fun with this scenario… you can get a better read on their crazy.

The beauty of social media is people’s real-world personalities often are reflected on through the medium. If you have always been non-clinically diagnosed (that means, you haven’t seen a shrink, but we all know you should) with Borderline, Histrionic Personality Disorder chances are your Status Updates are mirror images of your IRL (in real life) psyche. Everything is a crisis, and you must let all of us know… Facebook is your new theater. When you see, “What’s on your mind?” in the little status box, you speak to it like the therapist you refuse to see. Simply saying, “Work was a bad today, cannot wait for a drink” You go one a 500 word diatribe detailing every event and consequence in your typical melodramatic fashion.

With that said, to be fair, I’m going to offer a few tips to those still milling around in the social media exosphere:

1. Would you say that if you knew 600 people were in the room?
Well, that’s what it is like on Facebook. If I post something like: “So ready to move on” Through the day some close friends may comment with “Me too, right here with you.” Or, “What’s up, call me!” Then comes the family… “Oh honey, it will be alright, I love you so much, you will always be my baby, I miss you so much, I wish I could hold you and make it all better.” Ugh… just pick up that damn phone and call me. Not only can everyone read it, but likely those who commented before you receive an email notification with your reply. And 9 out of 10 times that is the end of that discussion. When I see a Wall Post and the last comment is obviously from a family member I quickly move on. Take a look back at your comments… are you usually the last comment? Well, there is a reason for it. We call it “being in mixed company”. The same holds true on Facebook.

2. Yes, we know… our kids are precious.
They are the center of our lives, and likely now – the center of yours. Let’s face it, we are relegated to a secondary status. When we come to visit, you give us the proverbial hug and a peck on the cheek and within a nanosecond you dart to the grandkid. Nothing new. We understand. Facebook is the perfect place for us proud breeders to post photos of our darlings – all of our friends are having kids, they do it too. But please do not comment on each – and – every – photos with virtual smooches.

3. You are you, not our kid!
Again, you adore your grand baby. You better!!! However, don’t use pictures of him or her as your profile photo. You already comment on every.single.photo.we.post – there is no need for me to see my kid, as you, when you post. I understand, you are proud, you want to share that pride with your friends. But, it is kinda creepy. Be yourself! Have fun with your profile pic, why not use a photo of you as a baby? It’s creative and fun!

4. “Become a friend of…”
Take notice, this is still the way Facebook frames the connections we make. You can identify relatives/relationships in settings, but we are all still viewed as ‘friends’. Sorry, family are not ‘friends’ – your Mom may be like “your best friend”. But really, you are not. When I’m talking about cool stuff I did with my friends, just read it, look at the pics and appreciate that I have a life of my own. Don’t comment about it. Again, just call me!

5. TMI
Some of the latest “quizzes” on Facebook – which I religiously block at first glance – may seem cute to you, and with your limited point of reference to Facebook. You may think… “Oh, neat… this is what Facebook is all about.” Wrong. Most of us ‘veterans’ consider this nothing more than personal spam. Or as we geeks say “Memes”. Really I do NOT want to know “Which Dirty Disney Character You Are?” I’m your nephew, that’s just sick and wrong! Crazy thoughts race through my mind. You really think about this? Do you wear costumes behind closed doors. EWWW!! Remember, I can see it! Likely your boss can see. And, oh my god, my grandmother, YOUR MOTHER, can see it. Would we have this conversation around Thanksgiving dinner? I would surely hope not… I could never enjoy of your masterful oyster stuffing the same. Ever. Again.

6. Tag, you’re it !
Photo tagging on Facebook is a wonderful way (and sometimes a means to embarrassment) to share photos not only to those pictured, but also to YOUR friends. The system does it… you don’t need to. Your daughter posts her wedding pictures, you want all your friends to see the album. Naturally, each photo you have been tagged in will show up in your feed, and consequentially to your friend’s feeds. Perfect! You do NOT need to tag yourself in every photo so your friends can see it. The default setting in Facebook for photos is “Viewable by Friends of Friends” – You are not the wedding cake, so do not tag the wedding cake. Ok?

- In Part Two I’ll give more specifics about settings in Facebook, and concrete examples of good and bad uses of the medium.

• Disclaimer: The majority of this post is satire – a culmination of conversations I’ve had with dozens of friends and their frustrations with balancing self, work and family in a social media world •